This article originally appeared on Turn On Tune In, February 18th 2013.
It’s the biggest date on the UK music calendar, but the Brit Awards does still get rather dull at times. This year, liven up ITV’s glorified Mastercard advert with our specially created ‘Brit Awards Drinking Game’. We’ve curated the medicinal choices of a whole range of drunks and vagrants both dead and alive, from Oliver Reed to George Best to Timothy Leary, so just sit back, drink up and give the winner a free stomach pump.
* Somebody thanks their mum, “who they couldn’t have done it without”. Drink one finger.
* Robbie Williams wears that horrible pink suit. Two fingers.
* For their live performance, Mumford and Sons play a song containing three or less chords. Three fingers.
* Marcus Mumford smirks with barely concealed disbelief as he and his band are given a standing ovation. One shot of Brandy and a menthol cigarette.
* Taylor Swift cries. Down a glass of Cristal.
* Pre/during/post performance of his latest single, Justin Timberlake mentions Myspace and how “it’s still cool…” Two fingers.
* James Corden makes a joke about his own weight. Half a pint of John Smiths.
* James Corden laughs at his own joke. The other half of the John Smiths.
* After winning International Female Solo Artist, a tearful Taylor Swift drops her award, prompting Damien Hirst to leap from the crowd in a salmon like motion as he catches his daintily designed spotty sperm. Reach for the hallucinogenics.
* Twitter has a hissy fit about the high number of ad breaks. One finger.
* ITV’s Shazam app breaks. Two fingers.
* Frank Ocean takes advantage of progressive British same-sex marriage legislation and proposes to an unknown lover on stage. Down two bottles of Babycham, one for Frank and one for his lucky beau.
* A lonely city banker who managed to grab a ticket for £160 on Viagogo temporarily obscures ITV’s cameras. One finger.
* Anytime anybody says, “The Brit Awards with… Mastercard”. One shot of your own choosing – Priceless.
* Muse perform a song with no pyrotechnics, special stage set-ups or floating platforms. One spoon of nutmeg.
* alt-J win Album of the Year and spend their whole acceptance speech explaining that if you type their name into a mac it makes a triangle. One glass of red wine.
* Gazza turns up with some fried chicken and a fishing rod. Finish your drink.
* Lana Del Rey and Cat Power exchange scowls. One glass of Baileys.
* The XX look over wistfully to alt-J’s table, remembering a time when they too were writing original alternative music. Mix up a Bloody Mary and down it in one.
* Plan B and Richard Hawley get caught smoking a bifta backstage. Mute the TV, chuck Bob Marley on the hi-fi and whip out the chronic.
* Brian Jones comes back from the dead to make a shock appearance, presenting the British Live Act award. Upon realising he’s given the award to The Vaccines, the ex-Rolling Stone decides that resurrection really wasn’t worth the bother and pulls a Desert Eagle from his jacket pocket, puts it to his head and pulls the trigger. Consume one quart of lighter fluid.
* James Corden runs on stage and starts to nibble at Brian Jones’ corpse. One finger.
* James Corden looks up. Two fingers.
* James Corden laughs at his own reflection. Drink Absinthe until James Cordon makes you laugh.
Unless you really want to end up like the fella in the video clip below, maybe exchange some of the drinks in this game for slightly less life threatening beverages. If you’re under 18, just use sweets instead. The Brit Awards will be live on ITV this Wednesday (20th February) at 8pm.